The topic of sexuality has always been a complicated one for me.
None of the labels- lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual- ever seemed fitting which is why I often tried my best to avoid placing myself into a category. Though that’s what I wanted to do, my decision to remain without a classification failed to go over well with my peers and those around me. People want labels. Labels make things easier to understand, which I get, but what are you to do when none of them fit? One must make the decision to either explain that the labels are too concrete and that one’s sexuality is entirely too fluid to be confined to the limits of said labels or one can decide to make things easier and pick a label that most relates.
I, unfortunately, chose the latter.
At one point, I decided that the bisexual category was the way to go. It made the most sense seeing how I fancied both men and women- girls and boys at the time since I was just a girl myself. With that, came the constant criticism. My interest in girls was seen as something to just get attention or that I didn’t take my relationships with women as seriously as I did with men. Complete bullshit. And to be completely honest it pissed me off. At that same time, I realized that I was gravitating to women a lot more frequently than I was to men. Does that make me a lesbian? I asked myself that question constantly until finally I decided that the question needed to be answered.
I told myself yes, you are a lesbian although I can’t honestly say that I ever felt as though the title fit.
There was a great amount of finality associated with the title. It was consuming. It was like I was no longer Kenné, but rather Kenné, the lesbian. What the fuck? That’s not who I am, not at all. And when I went against the “norm” by deciding to commit to a man, the questions kept pouring in. So are you straight now? Not, are you happy because that’s not important. The only thing that matters is the label.
I finally found a label that works: pansexual. Which basically means that gender identity or the actual sex of the person doesn’t matter. It’s an attraction to one’s soul opposed to one’s gender. I like that.
